The Cycle of Sadness

When I am sad a lump grows in my throat.

My head feels heavy and my thoughts go to the places I think about most.

My face feels hot and my arms hang low and in the moment there is nothing I can do but ride the wave through.

I wonder why I haven't killed myself yet.

I wonder why I am no good at anything I've ever tried.

I wish my relationship was better and I stop talking to my husband.

I remember how easy it was for my mother to abandon me and I shy from my child.

My clothes get darker, and as if to say "Fuck it, I'm killing myself anyway!" I talk a little wilder.

When I am sad I cannot get out of bed. My head is much too heavy and I can't be bothered with the monotonous burdens of the day.

All I can do is succumb to the voices in my head.

Multiple voices that can shout and scream and sing all at the same time. I often wonder where these voices go when it's time for innovation in my life or to boost my confidence. Because as soon as it''s time to strip me of my breath and of my memories there they are like a chorus of eunuch.

It's so funny because I'll live like this for hours, destroying myself, destroying my family, shortening my life and then suddenly... The wave is gone.

The voices cease to exist and I am myself again. But not really myself because the damage is already done. My mind might be back but my body usually lay exhausted and shaking. I'm embarrassed because I put my family through yet another round of my debilitation.

They say they forgive me and they don't mind but in realizing that my sadness took me again I am ashamed and for the rest of the day I hide.